As of right now I am just a self proclaimed psychopath/narcissist. I’ve went through the testing and interviews to be officially diagnosed with ASPD. Seems like a lot of people I talk to about it don’t really find a true understanding of what it actually is. That angers me a bit. So I just decided to make a tumblr account so I had some sort of way to vent to the public. Idgaf if judge me based off my decisions.
ASPD, or antisocial personality disorder is a mental illness that causes the afflicted person to have a lack of empathy for others. That’s the main thing. You don’t just ‘get it’ like you do depression or the flu. You’re either born with it, or had some sort of massive trauma bomb and miraculously contracted it. That’s how I view it.
When it comes to me, I see it as having the upper hand in everything I do. A major advantage. I’ve always been somewhat persuasive and charismatic with my words so I can get what I want most of the time under reasonable conditions. Whether it be asking for $5 from a random stranger or anything else really. Can’t think of another example.
Over time I have realized what I have been able to do with this ‘lack of empathy’. I’m not afraid to step on others to get what I want as fast as I want. It feels as if I have no emotions most of the time yet I can put on a pretty convincing facade(yes I tried spelling it correct, not sure how to put the line under the C though) that any psychotherapist will easily believe. I’ve been going through therapy for the past four years and just now have I truly opened up to a new therapist I have been seeing. I still find myself creating lies after lies to keep myself out of trouble or in-patient services.
I’ve never really did too many illegal things but when I have/do I will make sure I get away with them.
—Ending that portion of the so called ‘blog’ for now.—
When it comes to relationships, I have a very hard time with any long term commitment. Which surprises the crap out of me seeing how my last relationship, the only real and sincere one I’ve ever had, lasted four years. Kind of on and off. It even got to the point where I proposed to her thinking that I could change how I view the opposite gender. Not just as a tool to be used whenever I feel the need to. But to conform to, I guess I would call it normal standards, of society. I have the ability to care for people. Mainly only my family really, but if they even come slightly close to stepping on my toes, I shoot back very fast without remorse of sympathy. I’m taking a tranquilizer to help keep my arsenal from auto firing at will. It seems to be helping decently but it’s not enough.
I am very open to talk about my disorder with pretty much anyone, except my family really, for I guess protective issues for their feelings towards me. But if they find out some other way I could care less. And by ‘opening up’, I mean discussing exactly what it does to me. Not necessarily going into details of my past and what I’ve immorally done.
Anyways, I think that about wraps things up for this post.
Not trying to get help from professionals. I already have my parents paying for that IRL.